More Than a Glimpse

Shutters closed, drapes lowered, lights off! Everything just stumbles into darkness.  Everything but a small glimpse of hope! Pillows fluffed, eyes drooping, body tucked in trying to relax, my soul drifts away looking down at her dwelling place.  My soul shivers, quivers, and then dwindles.  My soul is ready to leave and abandon her ship but feels chained and buried down under so much unexplainable weight.  My soul aches with every movement, every twitch, and every 'ah and ooh' that the body hollers at her.

She looks down at the horrible prison of so called body then looks back at that small glimpse of light. She feels that lingering pain and those twitching aches, and wishes to escape into that glimpse of light.  At moments like these, she wants to escape that fragile body so bad that she is willing to risk it all! She wants to escape that feeling of soreness, sadness, and nothingness and go into that small glimpse of light hoping for a place where there is no more sorrow and no more pain.

Every night, when everything is so alarmingly quiet, my soul tries to escape but something stronger pulls her back again into that despicable body!  Every night, my soul soars for a second only to be pulled back into this horrible dwelling. She tries to understand what makes this body's control overwhelming when in reality, it's only drenching and suffocating!

In that short second,my soul soars in search of that power that ties her down into that awful body; that power that makes all this sorrow worthwhile and all this pain bearable. She tries to understand why despite what the body uses from all sorts of pain to smack her down, she still wakes up every morning to go through all of it one more time.  She looks through that glimpse of light searching for an answer and for the reason to find it all summed up in one word, which is hope.

My soul fights every night to wake up for a hope of a new day, a new moment, and a better future. She hopes for a new day with her loved ones, a new moment of pride and accomplishment that she sees in each one of her kids, and a better future full of tender smiles, warm hugs, and affectionate kisses. My soul sleeps every night despite all what my body inflicts on her, knowing for sure that what is to come, will be worth more than just a glimpse. 

Real or Fake?

Sometimes in life, we come across so many people who we think are living an extraordinary life or even a normal one. We look at their outward appearances, their possessions, and the way they conduct themselves and we stand in awe, or envy them for what we see not knowing that deep inside where we cannot look lies something else, something different. Deep inside lies pain, struggles, disappointments, sadness, tragedy, and so on!!

We get to know these people at work, at school, at camps, at sports and we form an idea of what their life looks like based on the little time we spent with them. We think they are happy because of what they wear, ride, buy, spend, live in, and eat but do we really know these people?! Did we take enough time to peel these outer layers to look inside deep enough to know how they really live and how they really feel?!

Sometimes we take these people and what they do for granted thinking that they will manage whatever we throw at them because they are physically, emotionally, and financially capable not realizing that they could be so fragile and waiting to shatter in a moment! They could be in more need than we think!

Do we ever think of what our words could do to these people? We may think a simple statement we spew at them is nothing when in reality, it could be a dagger that pierces their inner most causing more damage than we have ever expected.

What happens if we are given a microscope that allows us to look deep inside the people we think we know? What do you think we will see and find? Would our findings meet our expectations? Who knows? Let's be mindful of the fact that others could be struggling as much as we are but are good at hiding it!

Relationships

Sitting here in utter darkness, darkness that is engulfing and surrounding me from the inside out, I try to comprehend the meaning of all what we go through in this life and especially the relationships we build and the ones we destroy.  I try to understand what kind of logic people base their relationships on.  I try to gaze out of the darkness in search of a light that will guide me and show me something, something that will help me understand, but all I see is emptiness and more darkness.

What does that mean and why can’t I find an answer? Is it so hard to understand and comprehend the nature of relationships that we cannot even pinpoint the base on which one is created and another doomed?

I stop looking around me and I start looking deep within.  I look at my own relationships, the present and the past ones and suddenly all I come across is an aching feeling; a feeling that intrigues me more.

I look deeper into my heart to only find a hardened heart, a disappointed one, and a heart that has lost all hope. The question that lingers then is why and how did my heart become so heavy, hard, and dark? When did it stop beating with life?

I shut my eyes and try to shake that feeling off wanting to erase what I saw and make it disappear, but I cannot.  I cannot deny what has become of me, of my heart, and my life.  I have to understand why I am seeing this now.  Oh yes! Relationships; that is the cause of what I am feeling now!

Why does my heart ache more when I think of the word ‘relationships’? Maybe because I had built so much hope on so many relationships to watch them eventually dismantle and fall apart because of others’ dark motives. Who know? After all, there is no light to clarify things.  No light at all! There is just utter darkness.

Tomorrow

She trudges heavily towards the bed unable to withstand the pains and aches that swarmed all over her body and then she  climbs onto the softness of the bed to cover herself with her warm and fluffy blanket.  She lays her head on her friend of confidence and shares her dreams of a tomorrow that she hopes will become her today.  Then she looks beyond the present into a future that only the dark night knows of and she sees among that darkness a white cloud that draws a smile on her face but eventually, it disappears in the emptiness of the night to remind her of her own hollow soul.

Long Gone Childhood

Slowly, the sounds drew her in. She could not even resist the temptation. She had to see and taste a bit of it. The hysterical giggles filled the place and ate her up. How can such happiness oppose her sadness and tempt her. She took a few steps towards the window and listened more and only then, she knew how sad her heart felt. How long has it been since her ears heard the sound of laughter? How long since her body shriveled with the strength of such giggles that came out of her own mouth? It had been a while but why? She misses those days when she was able to feel the child within her. She misses those days when all she was able to do is just enjoy her existence.

She came closer and with trembling hands, she opened a little bit of the shutters expecting to see kids running around and playing but for her amazement, they were not. There they were adults as old as she is, playing and laughing as if nothing fazes them. Were they for real or just a figment of her imagination? She wanted to go there and be part of that. She wanted to feel everything they were experiencing at that moment but she could not. Something was holding her back. Reality was choking her and her feet were mesmerized in the ground. She needed a break from all she was going through. She wanted her childhood badly but unfortunately, she has misplaced it somewhere in the past and could not take hold of it any more.

A suicidal Note

It is so painful what I am feeling right now. I am living the feeling of being so abandoned and unloved. The scent of death is roaming all around me. Desperate is the need for my soul to exhale but still something so strong is pulling it back. I wonder why I should exist in this life if all what I am made of and all my essence is merely consisting of tears bubbling within the body of a corpse. So much anger is building within me and I am scared of the outcome of such horrible feelings.

I lock myself in the smallest room ever, I weep my luck and I weep my life, which turned up to have no meaning at all. I once dreamed of better life thinking that what I had at that time was meaningless only to discover the truth years later.
I live for others and still do not enjoy a moment of this life. Scared of being condemned in the afterlife is the only thing that stands between my soul and its freedom. How much loads of tears do the eyes hold within them? How much longer can they continue their occupation of sadness?

I await things with eagerness and look forward to having certain people in my life to desperately long for them to leave and abandon me. The one thing I ask of them is to stop hurting me in every way they can and in everything they do and say. I have asked them once to love me and I am still awaiting that love.
This is who I am. This is how God created me. Why do you expect me to change? Why do you ask me to be who I do not want to be? Every day, someone comes into my life just to kill my identity until I have become who I have always hated to be.

Now, I seek loneliness, which I have always feared. I seek quietness when I have always longed for the buzz of liveliness. I need to be free though I still cannot. I am tied by boundaries that I have once thought would never be able to bind me. They are so tight and firm that they do not allow space for me to breathe and only I can untie them but it seems to me that sometimes some part of me does enjoy their control.

My solution to my endless pain might be harmful to the minds of those who think they still love me but I assure them that harm is undone by what I will leave them with. I will close my eyes for the last time hoping that my dreams will float high and soar till they become the reality of someone else’s life. I say goodbye to all the ones I longed for and apologize for shunning them away from my life. Trust me I do know that you are better off without me since my life has been suffocating you along with me.

My Winter

The ticking sound of the heavenly drops pouring down from the grayish mist of winter could awaken so many sensations in a human soul. Unfortunately, for me it sounded like a dreadful monotonous music that was trying to steal away my spirit and energy. Waves of movement all around were occupying nature with their fierce thunderous strength. It was as if the howling wind was trying to conquer the serenity of fall and it sure was on the verge of winning the battle. Swishing and whispering, the streams of water that ran down the trees and streets were abundant in their attempt to drown all beauty of spring and fall. It was as if nature was weeping the loss of its beauty and all was just the mere beginning of torture for me.

A Heart- Aching Picture

He is one little silent body with two piercing holes that make the mind endlessly shiver with sadness to the loss of such innocence for the sake of nothing. He laid there on their burdened hands with no breath. Little angel that once laughed with the joy of living has nothing to laugh about anymore but instead has caused weary eyes to weep his sudden death. He laid there; his eyes wide open with wondering astonishment about all the suffering and pain he has been witnessing all his life not knowing that his bewilderment has come to an end and for what? He is awaiting the hands that will shut those eyes for the last time as if they have not been already shut all their life by all the merciless killing of his beloved ones, his neighbors and friends. How many days did this little one spend playing with the toys we so lamely throw away for the much we have? How many days did this little one enjoy the food that we have many times thrown to waste just because it was not suiting to our taste anymore?

Look around you and open your eyes wide enough to see the truth that some people try to hide. What is life to you? Is it a bizarre chance of consequences where all what matters is just a bunch of non-existing objects that are worthless? Such a hard question to understand but it is the first question that crossed my mind when I opened that link and saw that heart- aching picture of an innocent child who has been shot in the chest. At that moment, I did not want to open my eyes anymore and see. I did not want to comprehend how life must have been to such a child. I did not want to compare the life I live to the life others are losing in a second for nothing rather than them being born in different circumstances.

Eventually I did. I opened them and found my heart dead. It turned out I am not alive as I thought I am. What is being alive when the freedom I have is useless compared to all the suffering that others have to go through to live a second of my freedom? How ridiculous my complaints seemed to me the moment my eyes saw what death meant? All I was able to do was to go and hold my three little babies so tight as if afraid of a haunting image I have just seen. My mind could not stop thinking for a second how lucky I am to have each one of them; therefore, I even held tighter. I closed my eyes and smelled their scent and the moment my eyes were closed is when I imagined all the sorrow this kid’s mom must be going through right now. I cried and ducked down so fast to feel the weakness her limbs might be feeling for the sight she is seeing. I laid my palm on the chest of each one of my children to feel their hearts drum with existence. Still, I even held tighter. So sad is what people are going through these days. All I was able to think of is, “How can the angels’ murderers sleep peacefully at night when the blood of innocence is dripping from their hands?”

Farewell

Have you ever felt real anger bubbling within you that you cannot even breathe? I can tell you about that right now. I can tell you how hatred feels. I can tell you what and how to despise a person you once have respected but turned out to be just vapor that does not exist in this life. What happened to all those words you said? What happened to all those dreams you seized to build? What happened to the heart that you invaded once and said will conquer until eternity? Could I have been that wrong from the moment I saw you until the truth was revealed? Was I that blind? I do need some answers or else my nights will evade my days and my tears will flood. How can you expect me to live when all of my dreams have died? What were you exactly? Why did you enter my life when you have already decided to exit even before that?

I hold my blanket so tight to warm my limbs that are trembling with fright. I close my eyes and try to remind myself that life still has a happy side. I search within the deep silent whispers of my heart and I weep all those moments I wasted on your love. I scream my silent anger hoping that somebody will hear my horrifying sadness. I shiver with the coldness of hatred trying to make it my only reaction to what you have done to me but I fail to have anything but sympathy. I regret the day we met though I once thought it was the best day ever. My eyes are heavy but still refuse to go into a dreamy sleep. They are terrified of seeing you for the last time. I just wonder if you deserve their weary feelings and anticipation. I wish my heart could pronounce the words my mind is thinking but they would rather say the words my heart is feeling. It still beats and it still lives though you have tried to eliminate its existence by your actions and decisions.

I will promise you that if you have ever thought that your actions will break me then you are mistaken since the only consequence of us being here now is me getting stronger than ever. My tears will heal my wound and my heart will survive what you have done to me. I am sure that you will live to regret the loss you have gained out of what you have done. I say farewell to all what I have given you and to all the dreams that we have once shared hoping you will change to a better person one day and somehow.

Fake Angels

They are snakes disguised as angels. They clothe themselves in white while their hearts are black. They roam earth calling for peace while their evil hearts are plotting to destroy everything they trudge on and every living thing that comes in their way. We love, admire and respect everything they pronounce to be theirs believing in the wisdom they claim to have.

Unfortunately, one day we wake up to the true realization of the fake identity they have proclaimed and only then, we come to comprehend the real meaning of what they have ever said or done. Shock and amazement is all what we feel and then numbness is the answer to all thee. No more tears are left to weep such people or is it the fact that our souls realized that they do not deserve the love we have given them and therefore does not want to shed any tear?

I do ask myself a million questions in order to understand why they act the way they do. I wonder what outcome they are looking for and only hatred builds up within me. I do not want such feelings to contaminate my free soul but I do not have control anymore and that is only their fault. They have worked in every way to cause this, so what can I do more. I tried to find excuses every time something took place but I am out of them now and I cannot tolerate their failure to elevate to a better stance anymore.

Do I need them to exist in my life and keep shedding my positive spirit and happiness to waste? I do not believe so. I still have those who truly love me. I need those who when they are close I can feel warm not cold. I need those who when I am tired can lift me up instead of putting me down. I am going to stand for the last time and declare that your withdrawal from my life is a better solution for my soul. I would rather kill your existence around me than you killing me every day a million times. I say farewell to all of you who I once called friends. I will always look into the past to see the wonderful days I wasted on you but still there is not any kind of regret since you have taught me to live and endure all hardships of this world by being the most difficult hardship I had to overcome.

Past Memories

I lifted my arms in an attempt to hold it and feel it but in vain. It disappeared in an amazing haze that astounded me. For a while, it felt like reality and I belonged to it. I wondered around in its atmosphere trying to take in all its beauty. Desperate for that feeling, I roamed the essence of my past trying to visualize every part of it. I tried to feel it and to immortalize it but again in vain.

It disappeared in the vastness of the present erasing every happy moment I tried to relive. I only wanted to have part of the past in my present and maybe a little bit less in my future but as I said all was in vain. They are the past memories that live in me and are gradually subsiding into a vapor of the unknown that even my soul could not identify.

A Piece of a Puzzle

I can handle being alone but the feeling of loneliness is what I fear. It is ripping my heart and agonizing my soul. I feel like I am a piece of a jigsaw puzzle awaiting a hand that will unravel the mystery beyond its confinements. I wish I could be certain that at least I am the last missing piece, which will complete the whole. Definitely, it would make me feel the importance of my existence. What if I am just one of the other pieces which its existence or absence does not make a difference? Do I complete the picture or am I just a corner piece of decoration that could be lost without affecting the whole.

I remember once, at the university, I was asked about marriage and my answer was it would mean finding a person who would be my other half and would complete me. For my shock, rage was the outcome of such a statement. I was told that I am complete and do not need anyone or anything to do so. Unfortunately, I did not feel it at that time and still do not. I am still walking in the journey of discovering whatever would complete me so I can feel whole.

My thoughts extend beyond the clouds searching the vast horizon for a meaning to my life. I am desperate to experience the sensation of solving the mystery that has been tormenting my soul. I am ready to put the pieces of my life together.