More Than a Glimpse

Shutters closed, drapes lowered, lights off! Everything just stumbles into darkness.  Everything but a small glimpse of hope! Pillows fluffed, eyes drooping, body tucked in trying to relax, my soul drifts away looking down at her dwelling place.  My soul shivers, quivers, and then dwindles.  My soul is ready to leave and abandon her ship but feels chained and buried down under so much unexplainable weight.  My soul aches with every movement, every twitch, and every 'ah and ooh' that the body hollers at her.

She looks down at the horrible prison of so called body then looks back at that small glimpse of light. She feels that lingering pain and those twitching aches, and wishes to escape into that glimpse of light.  At moments like these, she wants to escape that fragile body so bad that she is willing to risk it all! She wants to escape that feeling of soreness, sadness, and nothingness and go into that small glimpse of light hoping for a place where there is no more sorrow and no more pain.

Every night, when everything is so alarmingly quiet, my soul tries to escape but something stronger pulls her back again into that despicable body!  Every night, my soul soars for a second only to be pulled back into this horrible dwelling. She tries to understand what makes this body's control overwhelming when in reality, it's only drenching and suffocating!

In that short second,my soul soars in search of that power that ties her down into that awful body; that power that makes all this sorrow worthwhile and all this pain bearable. She tries to understand why despite what the body uses from all sorts of pain to smack her down, she still wakes up every morning to go through all of it one more time.  She looks through that glimpse of light searching for an answer and for the reason to find it all summed up in one word, which is hope.

My soul fights every night to wake up for a hope of a new day, a new moment, and a better future. She hopes for a new day with her loved ones, a new moment of pride and accomplishment that she sees in each one of her kids, and a better future full of tender smiles, warm hugs, and affectionate kisses. My soul sleeps every night despite all what my body inflicts on her, knowing for sure that what is to come, will be worth more than just a glimpse. 

Relationships

Sitting here in utter darkness, darkness that is engulfing and surrounding me from the inside out, I try to comprehend the meaning of all what we go through in this life and especially the relationships we build and the ones we destroy.  I try to understand what kind of logic people base their relationships on.  I try to gaze out of the darkness in search of a light that will guide me and show me something, something that will help me understand, but all I see is emptiness and more darkness.

What does that mean and why can’t I find an answer? Is it so hard to understand and comprehend the nature of relationships that we cannot even pinpoint the base on which one is created and another doomed?

I stop looking around me and I start looking deep within.  I look at my own relationships, the present and the past ones and suddenly all I come across is an aching feeling; a feeling that intrigues me more.

I look deeper into my heart to only find a hardened heart, a disappointed one, and a heart that has lost all hope. The question that lingers then is why and how did my heart become so heavy, hard, and dark? When did it stop beating with life?

I shut my eyes and try to shake that feeling off wanting to erase what I saw and make it disappear, but I cannot.  I cannot deny what has become of me, of my heart, and my life.  I have to understand why I am seeing this now.  Oh yes! Relationships; that is the cause of what I am feeling now!

Why does my heart ache more when I think of the word ‘relationships’? Maybe because I had built so much hope on so many relationships to watch them eventually dismantle and fall apart because of others’ dark motives. Who know? After all, there is no light to clarify things.  No light at all! There is just utter darkness.

What Is Love?

If we look at our lives so closely or if we research the word love, I assure you that we will find a definition of what love is. Not only one definition but so many that we may end up confused. There is the world's definition, people's definition, the media's definition, the best sellers' definition, the movies' definition, and the list goes on! 

I for one believe that love is when someone accepts others the way they are no matter what; with all their shortcomings, quirks, and flaws. If you love someone, you do not ask them to change who they are to accommodate your needs or meet your expectations. If you love someone, you forgive them their own mishaps as many times as it takes! You give up parts of you, your dreams, and expectations to mold new ones that build your relationship and make it stronger than ever.

 If you love someone, you fight for them and you stand for all they are! You do not give up on what you have with them and dwell on what might have been. You look at that person as if he or she is your world and no one can even compare. You make them your life, your dream, and your everything! You become their everything as well; their friend, their family, and the person they feel safe to go to when everything around them seems to be falling apart or when they need a shoulder to lean on because no one else can do it as good as you! You become their source of happiness, confidence, and encouragement. You  become the one who lifts them up and makes them feel that no one can come close! You are the one who wipes their tears rather than cause them.

Love means that you will always wrap your arms around those you love and hold them close, especially when they are sad and afraid. You will make sure they know that you will stand for them and fight for them when the world is trying to tear them apart. There will be moments when they will feel that the whole world is against them; which is when your love is supposed to assure them that everything is going to be alright because you are with them no matter what! This is what love is for me!

If you are not ready to do all of this, then you are not in love and "I love you" would mean nothing.  If you are not ready to do this, then you are not ready to be in a relationship with these people.  Sometimes,in the long run, knowing the truth despite how much hurt it brings, is way more rewarding and less complicated than pretending something exists when it does not!  

Long Gone Childhood

Slowly, the sounds drew her in. She could not even resist the temptation. She had to see and taste a bit of it. The hysterical giggles filled the place and ate her up. How can such happiness oppose her sadness and tempt her. She took a few steps towards the window and listened more and only then, she knew how sad her heart felt. How long has it been since her ears heard the sound of laughter? How long since her body shriveled with the strength of such giggles that came out of her own mouth? It had been a while but why? She misses those days when she was able to feel the child within her. She misses those days when all she was able to do is just enjoy her existence.

She came closer and with trembling hands, she opened a little bit of the shutters expecting to see kids running around and playing but for her amazement, they were not. There they were adults as old as she is, playing and laughing as if nothing fazes them. Were they for real or just a figment of her imagination? She wanted to go there and be part of that. She wanted to feel everything they were experiencing at that moment but she could not. Something was holding her back. Reality was choking her and her feet were mesmerized in the ground. She needed a break from all she was going through. She wanted her childhood badly but unfortunately, she has misplaced it somewhere in the past and could not take hold of it any more.

My Winter

The ticking sound of the heavenly drops pouring down from the grayish mist of winter could awaken so many sensations in a human soul. Unfortunately, for me it sounded like a dreadful monotonous music that was trying to steal away my spirit and energy. Waves of movement all around were occupying nature with their fierce thunderous strength. It was as if the howling wind was trying to conquer the serenity of fall and it sure was on the verge of winning the battle. Swishing and whispering, the streams of water that ran down the trees and streets were abundant in their attempt to drown all beauty of spring and fall. It was as if nature was weeping the loss of its beauty and all was just the mere beginning of torture for me.

Farewell

Have you ever felt real anger bubbling within you that you cannot even breathe? I can tell you about that right now. I can tell you how hatred feels. I can tell you what and how to despise a person you once have respected but turned out to be just vapor that does not exist in this life. What happened to all those words you said? What happened to all those dreams you seized to build? What happened to the heart that you invaded once and said will conquer until eternity? Could I have been that wrong from the moment I saw you until the truth was revealed? Was I that blind? I do need some answers or else my nights will evade my days and my tears will flood. How can you expect me to live when all of my dreams have died? What were you exactly? Why did you enter my life when you have already decided to exit even before that?

I hold my blanket so tight to warm my limbs that are trembling with fright. I close my eyes and try to remind myself that life still has a happy side. I search within the deep silent whispers of my heart and I weep all those moments I wasted on your love. I scream my silent anger hoping that somebody will hear my horrifying sadness. I shiver with the coldness of hatred trying to make it my only reaction to what you have done to me but I fail to have anything but sympathy. I regret the day we met though I once thought it was the best day ever. My eyes are heavy but still refuse to go into a dreamy sleep. They are terrified of seeing you for the last time. I just wonder if you deserve their weary feelings and anticipation. I wish my heart could pronounce the words my mind is thinking but they would rather say the words my heart is feeling. It still beats and it still lives though you have tried to eliminate its existence by your actions and decisions.

I will promise you that if you have ever thought that your actions will break me then you are mistaken since the only consequence of us being here now is me getting stronger than ever. My tears will heal my wound and my heart will survive what you have done to me. I am sure that you will live to regret the loss you have gained out of what you have done. I say farewell to all what I have given you and to all the dreams that we have once shared hoping you will change to a better person one day and somehow.

Fake Angels

They are snakes disguised as angels. They clothe themselves in white while their hearts are black. They roam earth calling for peace while their evil hearts are plotting to destroy everything they trudge on and every living thing that comes in their way. We love, admire and respect everything they pronounce to be theirs believing in the wisdom they claim to have.

Unfortunately, one day we wake up to the true realization of the fake identity they have proclaimed and only then, we come to comprehend the real meaning of what they have ever said or done. Shock and amazement is all what we feel and then numbness is the answer to all thee. No more tears are left to weep such people or is it the fact that our souls realized that they do not deserve the love we have given them and therefore does not want to shed any tear?

I do ask myself a million questions in order to understand why they act the way they do. I wonder what outcome they are looking for and only hatred builds up within me. I do not want such feelings to contaminate my free soul but I do not have control anymore and that is only their fault. They have worked in every way to cause this, so what can I do more. I tried to find excuses every time something took place but I am out of them now and I cannot tolerate their failure to elevate to a better stance anymore.

Do I need them to exist in my life and keep shedding my positive spirit and happiness to waste? I do not believe so. I still have those who truly love me. I need those who when they are close I can feel warm not cold. I need those who when I am tired can lift me up instead of putting me down. I am going to stand for the last time and declare that your withdrawal from my life is a better solution for my soul. I would rather kill your existence around me than you killing me every day a million times. I say farewell to all of you who I once called friends. I will always look into the past to see the wonderful days I wasted on you but still there is not any kind of regret since you have taught me to live and endure all hardships of this world by being the most difficult hardship I had to overcome.

Past Memories

I lifted my arms in an attempt to hold it and feel it but in vain. It disappeared in an amazing haze that astounded me. For a while, it felt like reality and I belonged to it. I wondered around in its atmosphere trying to take in all its beauty. Desperate for that feeling, I roamed the essence of my past trying to visualize every part of it. I tried to feel it and to immortalize it but again in vain.

It disappeared in the vastness of the present erasing every happy moment I tried to relive. I only wanted to have part of the past in my present and maybe a little bit less in my future but as I said all was in vain. They are the past memories that live in me and are gradually subsiding into a vapor of the unknown that even my soul could not identify.

Seductive Autumn

The way they fell down with their orange reddish color was so breathtaking that she could not stop staring at the sight. She has always loved and admired nature but this time it was so different. These leaves had something catchy in the way they went down swiftly until they touched the surface of the river that laid there underneath that huge tree. It was as if she was falling in love with each one of those leaves. She had to go closer and touch one single leaf. It felt so soft to the touch of her hand that she continued holding on to it for a while then gently placed it where it supposed to be.

As an author, she had to taste the beauty of nature that hid in its elements. She had to feel the mystery behind each scenery in order to be able to step away from reality into the unexpected romantic atmosphere that she needed to be inspired in order to come out with the flow of words that pour out on her pages. In the broad picture, nature has always leaped out at her to help her write spicy love stories. She needed nature to help her understand and inhabit the lives of the characters she will pitch into her stories that wound up being published.

When she was in nature, she was able to write whatever she thought of without holding back. This time was an exception. She did not only enjoy the scene of autumn leaves dying on the invisible mirror of water but she also decided to linger on its beauty until she was sure she will be able to paint this picture again in her mind whenever she needed. She felt the tranquility with which those leaves advanced towards the murky waters underneath the huge enveloping tree.

Those leaves were trying seductively to turn up the heat within her for such explosive beauty that resembled the beauty of the characters that invaded her stories. Well, they have succeeded since she took out her notebook and started drawing that picture by expressing all the accumulated feelings she required from such an experience.

A Piece of a Puzzle

I can handle being alone but the feeling of loneliness is what I fear. It is ripping my heart and agonizing my soul. I feel like I am a piece of a jigsaw puzzle awaiting a hand that will unravel the mystery beyond its confinements. I wish I could be certain that at least I am the last missing piece, which will complete the whole. Definitely, it would make me feel the importance of my existence. What if I am just one of the other pieces which its existence or absence does not make a difference? Do I complete the picture or am I just a corner piece of decoration that could be lost without affecting the whole.

I remember once, at the university, I was asked about marriage and my answer was it would mean finding a person who would be my other half and would complete me. For my shock, rage was the outcome of such a statement. I was told that I am complete and do not need anyone or anything to do so. Unfortunately, I did not feel it at that time and still do not. I am still walking in the journey of discovering whatever would complete me so I can feel whole.

My thoughts extend beyond the clouds searching the vast horizon for a meaning to my life. I am desperate to experience the sensation of solving the mystery that has been tormenting my soul. I am ready to put the pieces of my life together.