I was shifting in my bed when strands of thoughts attacked my conscious need to sleep trying to awake all my senses that would have rather shut down after the three longest hours of my life. I have experienced similar situations where the hours seemed to be days but still this time it was different in all means. Other times, I was always awed and attached to the thing that even movement seemed impossible to accomplish. I have always enjoyed part of that time even if it was for a couple of minutes and I sometimes even enjoyed being within that situation that I hoped it would never perish.
Being mesmerized in front of a television for hours might have always been able to bring my mind to fantasize about what I have been witnessing to the extent where my mind was afraid to drift away for even a second where I can end up missing part of what was going on. Movies have always played a role in building my imagination and taking control over part of my life that I have always tried to escape.
As for this time and this movie in particular, it was appalling and compelling in all means. My eyes kept stealing glances at the clock that seemed to move slowly in contradiction to what my mind was hoping for. At times, it unfortunately seemed to even stand still or move backwards. The sounds that my ears were trying to avoid were annoying in comparison to the serenity that surrounded the characters. The movements within its scenes were so crippling though hard to keep up with for a reason my words find hard to explain. It made no sense to me the dullness that kept me attentive for three long hours.
Suddenly, a sound was able to draw me back to the reality of this appreciated world from a haze I would never wish to go back to. I jumped to the chance that was given to me and tried to take my time in whatever I was asked to do, hoping that time would pass faster but unfortunately, every part of me felt obliged to go back and continue in trying to figure out what was special about this movie.
Two monotonous hours passed when suddenly I realized that this movie was trying to teach my mind something it could not comprehend. All what I was able to think of was the fact that I do still have another hour of whatever was going on with this movie. I only hoped that my coming hour would be able to compensate my past two hours with a better accomplishment at the end.
So tense and compact was the last hour. I have always worried about aging and how things will go about before time of death comes. I have always feared the feeling of time passing by until these three hours passed by. Watching the clock go backwards and feeling the misery of becoming younger rather than older has made me appreciate every minute of my time that is moving forward. I applaud the film, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” for all the time that I have thought I was wasting since it gave me the chance to appreciate the time left for me to enjoy the blessings of becoming older day after day. I am also thankful for opening my eyes to the realization of how fortunate we are since we will have the ability to see the fruits of our love and life grow eventually to cuddle us in a bundle of joy and love.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Just Because
I remember an old rustic book that my dad once had which seemed to me on the verge of falling apart. It had the weirdest title I have ever come across. I had to open it and see what it talked about just because I was a little bit curious. I read like for less than five minutes in the book and then closed it since it made no sense to me the gibberish stuff that the author talked about and it also bored my senses to the core.
Now and almost after twenty years of this life that is full of surprising events, I wish I did continue reading it. How can I forget mostly every book that I have once read and fell in love with and still remember the title of the precarious book that failed to attract my attention and keep me interested for more than five minutes? There was something about that book, which made it cling into my life, stick there like nothing ever did, and only this month I came to the realization of such a power.
There must have been something amazing about it. Though it was older than its owner, it still filled a place in his life that he continued to keep it in spite of its condition. I remember the title, which was in a different language than what I am using now to express my feelings but still though, that language made so sense at that time. “Walking in Their Sleep” is the best translation to the title of the book. I remember clearly how it started. He talked about those people in our lives that walk in and out just like those who walk in their sleep. It made no sense to me what he said at that time but what does a ten year old know or understand from life, which only seemed innocent at that time?
As for the woman that she became, she can tell you at least a hundred interpretations to that title. Many people came into my life. Some of them left a mark and others just made no difference. I wish all made no difference since most of those who did just left a mark of pain and anger. Walking in your sleep is harmless to your soul and to others. It could be harmful to the body but that is the surface. What matters is the deep inner harm, which inflects unpleasant marks that will never diminish. A persons’ whole perspective on life changes when he is in pain.
So many people tend to affiliate with us for no reason and then they suddenly disappear with no explanation or regrets. They tend to make you feel worthless and dispensable. They go around walking in parts of your life while you are thinking that they will be there forever but you end up knowing the truth. You are simply wrong. Just like those who walk in their sleep, will wake up at a certain time, these people will wake up from their existence in your life and continue with their life as if you have never existed.
Wow! Such a title is so astounding that it keeps the mind thinking. Such remarkable books are really worth keeping for the massive amounts of thoughts they present you with and that is why I wish I had read that book. Maybe, it would have explained for me why things happen in our life and gave me solutions to the problems that humanity faces throughout their journey in this world.
Now and almost after twenty years of this life that is full of surprising events, I wish I did continue reading it. How can I forget mostly every book that I have once read and fell in love with and still remember the title of the precarious book that failed to attract my attention and keep me interested for more than five minutes? There was something about that book, which made it cling into my life, stick there like nothing ever did, and only this month I came to the realization of such a power.
There must have been something amazing about it. Though it was older than its owner, it still filled a place in his life that he continued to keep it in spite of its condition. I remember the title, which was in a different language than what I am using now to express my feelings but still though, that language made so sense at that time. “Walking in Their Sleep” is the best translation to the title of the book. I remember clearly how it started. He talked about those people in our lives that walk in and out just like those who walk in their sleep. It made no sense to me what he said at that time but what does a ten year old know or understand from life, which only seemed innocent at that time?
As for the woman that she became, she can tell you at least a hundred interpretations to that title. Many people came into my life. Some of them left a mark and others just made no difference. I wish all made no difference since most of those who did just left a mark of pain and anger. Walking in your sleep is harmless to your soul and to others. It could be harmful to the body but that is the surface. What matters is the deep inner harm, which inflects unpleasant marks that will never diminish. A persons’ whole perspective on life changes when he is in pain.
So many people tend to affiliate with us for no reason and then they suddenly disappear with no explanation or regrets. They tend to make you feel worthless and dispensable. They go around walking in parts of your life while you are thinking that they will be there forever but you end up knowing the truth. You are simply wrong. Just like those who walk in their sleep, will wake up at a certain time, these people will wake up from their existence in your life and continue with their life as if you have never existed.
Wow! Such a title is so astounding that it keeps the mind thinking. Such remarkable books are really worth keeping for the massive amounts of thoughts they present you with and that is why I wish I had read that book. Maybe, it would have explained for me why things happen in our life and gave me solutions to the problems that humanity faces throughout their journey in this world.
Obsessions
She was accompanying her mother out of the mall when she heard the echo of ardent advances behind her. Her heart began the race of drumming so fast and strong that she could not even hear the sound of her intimidated legs shaking with the thought of escape. The fear she has once felt for real has become an obsession that is following her everywhere. She could have sworn that it was happening again today. She could not even turn her head to check if she was right or wrong.
She tilted her neck a little bit with a cautious look to be horrified by a face of a ghost that wore its hair long and straight. She felt a heart attack on its way to invade each one of her veins and heart. Her destructive imagination was allowing those evasive thoughts to inhabit her mind. The moment this ghost passed her is when her eyes reassured her mind and heart of the truth and that it can go back to beating normally with the sign of being alive once again since this ghost is only another woman who was shopping just like her.
She looked back at her mom trying to hide all the embarrassing side effects of the past deadly moments she has just experienced since her mom is the only person who can clearly read her thoughts and unlock her deepest secrets that she could ever try to conceal. She wanted to draw a smile on her face but her lips resisted it by fading it into a frown that could clearly show all the resentment she felt for the life she has come to live lately. It was a powerful burden, which she could never share with anyone though it was killing her slowly. She would rather enjoy the terror of this painful and exhilarating journey than suddenly losing all she could ever enjoy to the power of death that has been trying lamely to conquer her life.
She tilted her neck a little bit with a cautious look to be horrified by a face of a ghost that wore its hair long and straight. She felt a heart attack on its way to invade each one of her veins and heart. Her destructive imagination was allowing those evasive thoughts to inhabit her mind. The moment this ghost passed her is when her eyes reassured her mind and heart of the truth and that it can go back to beating normally with the sign of being alive once again since this ghost is only another woman who was shopping just like her.
She looked back at her mom trying to hide all the embarrassing side effects of the past deadly moments she has just experienced since her mom is the only person who can clearly read her thoughts and unlock her deepest secrets that she could ever try to conceal. She wanted to draw a smile on her face but her lips resisted it by fading it into a frown that could clearly show all the resentment she felt for the life she has come to live lately. It was a powerful burden, which she could never share with anyone though it was killing her slowly. She would rather enjoy the terror of this painful and exhilarating journey than suddenly losing all she could ever enjoy to the power of death that has been trying lamely to conquer her life.
Long Gone Childhood
Slowly, the sounds drew her in. She could not even resist the temptation. She had to see and taste a bit of it. The hysterical giggles filled the place and ate her up. How can such happiness oppose her sadness and tempt her. She took a few steps towards the window and listened more and only then, she knew how sad her heart felt. How long has it been since her ears heard the sound of laughter? How long since her body shriveled with the strength of such giggles that came out of her own mouth? It had been a while but why? She misses those days when she was able to feel the child within her. She misses those days when all she was able to do is just enjoy her existence.
She came closer and with trembling hands, she opened a little bit of the shutters expecting to see kids running around and playing but for her amazement, they were not. There they were adults as old as she is, playing and laughing as if nothing fazes them. Were they for real or just a figment of her imagination? She wanted to go there and be part of that. She wanted to feel everything they were experiencing at that moment but she could not. Something was holding her back. Reality was choking her and her feet were mesmerized in the ground. She needed a break from all she was going through. She wanted her childhood badly but unfortunately, she has misplaced it somewhere in the past and could not take hold of it any more.
She came closer and with trembling hands, she opened a little bit of the shutters expecting to see kids running around and playing but for her amazement, they were not. There they were adults as old as she is, playing and laughing as if nothing fazes them. Were they for real or just a figment of her imagination? She wanted to go there and be part of that. She wanted to feel everything they were experiencing at that moment but she could not. Something was holding her back. Reality was choking her and her feet were mesmerized in the ground. She needed a break from all she was going through. She wanted her childhood badly but unfortunately, she has misplaced it somewhere in the past and could not take hold of it any more.
A suicidal Note
It is so painful what I am feeling right now. I am living the feeling of being so abandoned and unloved. The scent of death is roaming all around me. Desperate is the need for my soul to exhale but still something so strong is pulling it back. I wonder why I should exist in this life if all what I am made of and all my essence is merely consisting of tears bubbling within the body of a corpse. So much anger is building within me and I am scared of the outcome of such horrible feelings.
I lock myself in the smallest room ever, I weep my luck and I weep my life, which turned up to have no meaning at all. I once dreamed of better life thinking that what I had at that time was meaningless only to discover the truth years later.
I live for others and still do not enjoy a moment of this life. Scared of being condemned in the afterlife is the only thing that stands between my soul and its freedom. How much loads of tears do the eyes hold within them? How much longer can they continue their occupation of sadness?
I await things with eagerness and look forward to having certain people in my life to desperately long for them to leave and abandon me. The one thing I ask of them is to stop hurting me in every way they can and in everything they do and say. I have asked them once to love me and I am still awaiting that love.
This is who I am. This is how God created me. Why do you expect me to change? Why do you ask me to be who I do not want to be? Every day, someone comes into my life just to kill my identity until I have become who I have always hated to be.
Now, I seek loneliness, which I have always feared. I seek quietness when I have always longed for the buzz of liveliness. I need to be free though I still cannot. I am tied by boundaries that I have once thought would never be able to bind me. They are so tight and firm that they do not allow space for me to breathe and only I can untie them but it seems to me that sometimes some part of me does enjoy their control.
My solution to my endless pain might be harmful to the minds of those who think they still love me but I assure them that harm is undone by what I will leave them with. I will close my eyes for the last time hoping that my dreams will float high and soar till they become the reality of someone else’s life. I say goodbye to all the ones I longed for and apologize for shunning them away from my life. Trust me I do know that you are better off without me since my life has been suffocating you along with me.
I lock myself in the smallest room ever, I weep my luck and I weep my life, which turned up to have no meaning at all. I once dreamed of better life thinking that what I had at that time was meaningless only to discover the truth years later.
I live for others and still do not enjoy a moment of this life. Scared of being condemned in the afterlife is the only thing that stands between my soul and its freedom. How much loads of tears do the eyes hold within them? How much longer can they continue their occupation of sadness?
I await things with eagerness and look forward to having certain people in my life to desperately long for them to leave and abandon me. The one thing I ask of them is to stop hurting me in every way they can and in everything they do and say. I have asked them once to love me and I am still awaiting that love.
This is who I am. This is how God created me. Why do you expect me to change? Why do you ask me to be who I do not want to be? Every day, someone comes into my life just to kill my identity until I have become who I have always hated to be.
Now, I seek loneliness, which I have always feared. I seek quietness when I have always longed for the buzz of liveliness. I need to be free though I still cannot. I am tied by boundaries that I have once thought would never be able to bind me. They are so tight and firm that they do not allow space for me to breathe and only I can untie them but it seems to me that sometimes some part of me does enjoy their control.
My solution to my endless pain might be harmful to the minds of those who think they still love me but I assure them that harm is undone by what I will leave them with. I will close my eyes for the last time hoping that my dreams will float high and soar till they become the reality of someone else’s life. I say goodbye to all the ones I longed for and apologize for shunning them away from my life. Trust me I do know that you are better off without me since my life has been suffocating you along with me.
A Seductive Desire
Posted by Helen at 12:59 AM | Labels: Suspense
It would never have dawned on her that she would see a humiliating moment like this. She could not believe what was going on and never dreamed that it could happen to her. She had always been bound by ethics and morals since she had cultivated the reputation of a decent believer. She loved the life she had with its ups and downs and had always yearned for something good to do. Though things were hard on her, she still appreciated the little she was given. So, what was happening to her now?
All what she wanted was a chance to explain herself and her embarrassing situation. She could not tolerate these people's icy stares or accusations. How could they think for a moment that she had always been like this? How could they treat her the way they were in front of the crowds of people that had surrounded them? She just felt like being visibly threatened by what they were saying. Life was being withdrawn from her. She did not know what to say. She did not know how she should react to all of this. Mostly, she did not know how her future would be like when this is all over.
They held on to her like grim death and pulled her as a criminal towards the door of a low-slung room in the far corner of the place. She realized that the moment the door opens is the moment her old life dies and her new one starts. She could not count on being swept into that strange and frightening place because she knew that the second she goes in, she will never be the same and people will never look at her as a dignified person again. Her heart started drumming so fast. Her eyes could only see clouds of mist that blurred her vision. She wanted to scream the fear out of her lungs but she was unable to do so due to the eerie voices that arose from the mist.
What will she say to the love of her life? How can her eyes meet his after this? How is she going to be able to hold him close and swear to love him forever? What kind of a future will she have with him after now? She can imagine the shock on his face when he knows of what she had done and she realizes that it will be only a matter of time before all of this separates them and kill everything she had ever dreamt of.
She had to stop and breathe. She had to drum up her energy to beg them for forgiveness. She had to end all of the dark, dangerous, and unique paranormal elements behind this desire before it even starts or else she will be tainted all her life by bad memories of this day.
This desire, if answered to, will shadow her, probe her past and turn up at the deadliest moment to pull along with it everything she had ever worked on causing her life to tumble down leaving her as an outcast among her family and friends. Therefore, and after juggling all the ideas in her mind, she decided that she would not allow this to take place since it dramatically opposes everything she had ever believed in. She nervously thumbed through the things in front of her then returned that seductive desire to where it belonged and promised herself that whatever life takes away from her, she will never allow it to deprive her of her dignity and pride. She had lived as a decent person all of her life and would continue to do so until life takes away her soul
It would never have dawned on her that she would see a humiliating moment like this. She could not believe what was going on and never dreamed that it could happen to her. She had always been bound by ethics and morals since she had cultivated the reputation of a decent believer. She loved the life she had with its ups and downs and had always yearned for something good to do. Though things were hard on her, she still appreciated the little she was given. So, what was happening to her now?
All what she wanted was a chance to explain herself and her embarrassing situation. She could not tolerate these people's icy stares or accusations. How could they think for a moment that she had always been like this? How could they treat her the way they were in front of the crowds of people that had surrounded them? She just felt like being visibly threatened by what they were saying. Life was being withdrawn from her. She did not know what to say. She did not know how she should react to all of this. Mostly, she did not know how her future would be like when this is all over.
They held on to her like grim death and pulled her as a criminal towards the door of a low-slung room in the far corner of the place. She realized that the moment the door opens is the moment her old life dies and her new one starts. She could not count on being swept into that strange and frightening place because she knew that the second she goes in, she will never be the same and people will never look at her as a dignified person again. Her heart started drumming so fast. Her eyes could only see clouds of mist that blurred her vision. She wanted to scream the fear out of her lungs but she was unable to do so due to the eerie voices that arose from the mist.
What will she say to the love of her life? How can her eyes meet his after this? How is she going to be able to hold him close and swear to love him forever? What kind of a future will she have with him after now? She can imagine the shock on his face when he knows of what she had done and she realizes that it will be only a matter of time before all of this separates them and kill everything she had ever dreamt of.
She had to stop and breathe. She had to drum up her energy to beg them for forgiveness. She had to end all of the dark, dangerous, and unique paranormal elements behind this desire before it even starts or else she will be tainted all her life by bad memories of this day.
This desire, if answered to, will shadow her, probe her past and turn up at the deadliest moment to pull along with it everything she had ever worked on causing her life to tumble down leaving her as an outcast among her family and friends. Therefore, and after juggling all the ideas in her mind, she decided that she would not allow this to take place since it dramatically opposes everything she had ever believed in. She nervously thumbed through the things in front of her then returned that seductive desire to where it belonged and promised herself that whatever life takes away from her, she will never allow it to deprive her of her dignity and pride. She had lived as a decent person all of her life and would continue to do so until life takes away her soul
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