Sunday, March 7, 2010

A suicidal Note

It is so painful what I am feeling right now. I am living the feeling of being so abandoned and unloved. The scent of death is roaming all around me. Desperate is the need for my soul to exhale but still something so strong is pulling it back. I wonder why I should exist in this life if all what I am made of and all my essence is merely consisting of tears bubbling within the body of a corpse. So much anger is building within me and I am scared of the outcome of such horrible feelings.

I lock myself in the smallest room ever, I weep my luck and I weep my life, which turned up to have no meaning at all. I once dreamed of better life thinking that what I had at that time was meaningless only to discover the truth years later.
I live for others and still do not enjoy a moment of this life. Scared of being condemned in the afterlife is the only thing that stands between my soul and its freedom. How much loads of tears do the eyes hold within them? How much longer can they continue their occupation of sadness?

I await things with eagerness and look forward to having certain people in my life to desperately long for them to leave and abandon me. The one thing I ask of them is to stop hurting me in every way they can and in everything they do and say. I have asked them once to love me and I am still awaiting that love.
This is who I am. This is how God created me. Why do you expect me to change? Why do you ask me to be who I do not want to be? Every day, someone comes into my life just to kill my identity until I have become who I have always hated to be.

Now, I seek loneliness, which I have always feared. I seek quietness when I have always longed for the buzz of liveliness. I need to be free though I still cannot. I am tied by boundaries that I have once thought would never be able to bind me. They are so tight and firm that they do not allow space for me to breathe and only I can untie them but it seems to me that sometimes some part of me does enjoy their control.

My solution to my endless pain might be harmful to the minds of those who think they still love me but I assure them that harm is undone by what I will leave them with. I will close my eyes for the last time hoping that my dreams will float high and soar till they become the reality of someone else’s life. I say goodbye to all the ones I longed for and apologize for shunning them away from my life. Trust me I do know that you are better off without me since my life has been suffocating you along with me.

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