Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Look around you and open your eyes wide enough to see the truth that some people try to hide. What is life to you? Is it a bizarre chance of consequences where all what matters is just a bunch of non-existing objects that are worthless? Such a hard question to understand but it is the first question that crossed my mind when I opened that link and saw that heart- aching picture of an innocent child who has been shot in the chest. At that moment, I did not want to open my eyes anymore and see. I did not want to comprehend how life must have been to such a child. I did not want to compare the life I live to the life others are losing in a second for nothing rather than them being born in different circumstances.
Eventually I did. I opened them and found my heart dead. It turned out I am not alive as I thought I am. What is being alive when the freedom I have is useless compared to all the suffering that others have to go through to live a second of my freedom? How ridiculous my complaints seemed to me the moment my eyes saw what death meant? All I was able to do was to go and hold my three little babies so tight as if afraid of a haunting image I have just seen. My mind could not stop thinking for a second how lucky I am to have each one of them; therefore, I even held tighter. I closed my eyes and smelled their scent and the moment my eyes were closed is when I imagined all the sorrow this kid’s mom must be going through right now. I cried and ducked down so fast to feel the weakness her limbs might be feeling for the sight she is seeing. I laid my palm on the chest of each one of my children to feel their hearts drum with existence. Still, I even held tighter. So sad is what people are going through these days. All I was able to think of is, “How can the angels’ murderers sleep peacefully at night when the blood of innocence is dripping from their hands?”
I hold my blanket so tight to warm my limbs that are trembling with fright. I close my eyes and try to remind myself that life still has a happy side. I search within the deep silent whispers of my heart and I weep all those moments I wasted on your love. I scream my silent anger hoping that somebody will hear my horrifying sadness. I shiver with the coldness of hatred trying to make it my only reaction to what you have done to me but I fail to have anything but sympathy. I regret the day we met though I once thought it was the best day ever. My eyes are heavy but still refuse to go into a dreamy sleep. They are terrified of seeing you for the last time. I just wonder if you deserve their weary feelings and anticipation. I wish my heart could pronounce the words my mind is thinking but they would rather say the words my heart is feeling. It still beats and it still lives though you have tried to eliminate its existence by your actions and decisions.
I will promise you that if you have ever thought that your actions will break me then you are mistaken since the only consequence of us being here now is me getting stronger than ever. My tears will heal my wound and my heart will survive what you have done to me. I am sure that you will live to regret the loss you have gained out of what you have done. I say farewell to all what I have given you and to all the dreams that we have once shared hoping you will change to a better person one day and somehow.
Unfortunately, one day we wake up to the true realization of the fake identity they have proclaimed and only then, we come to comprehend the real meaning of what they have ever said or done. Shock and amazement is all what we feel and then numbness is the answer to all thee. No more tears are left to weep such people or is it the fact that our souls realized that they do not deserve the love we have given them and therefore does not want to shed any tear?
I do ask myself a million questions in order to understand why they act the way they do. I wonder what outcome they are looking for and only hatred builds up within me. I do not want such feelings to contaminate my free soul but I do not have control anymore and that is only their fault. They have worked in every way to cause this, so what can I do more. I tried to find excuses every time something took place but I am out of them now and I cannot tolerate their failure to elevate to a better stance anymore.
Do I need them to exist in my life and keep shedding my positive spirit and happiness to waste? I do not believe so. I still have those who truly love me. I need those who when they are close I can feel warm not cold. I need those who when I am tired can lift me up instead of putting me down. I am going to stand for the last time and declare that your withdrawal from my life is a better solution for my soul. I would rather kill your existence around me than you killing me every day a million times. I say farewell to all of you who I once called friends. I will always look into the past to see the wonderful days I wasted on you but still there is not any kind of regret since you have taught me to live and endure all hardships of this world by being the most difficult hardship I had to overcome.
Friday, July 24, 2009
I lifted my arms in an attempt to hold it and feel it but in vain. It disappeared in an amazing haze that astounded me. For a while, it felt like reality and I belonged to it. I wondered around in its atmosphere trying to take in all its beauty. Desperate for that feeling, I roamed the essence of my past trying to visualize every part of it. I tried to feel it and to immortalize it but again in vain.
It disappeared in the vastness of the present erasing every happy moment I tried to relive. I only wanted to have part of the past in my present and maybe a little bit less in my future but as I said all was in vain. They are the past memories that live in me and are gradually subsiding into a vapor of the unknown that even my soul could not identify.
The way they fell down with their orange reddish color was so breathtaking that she could not stop staring at the sight. She has always loved and admired nature but this time it was so different. These leaves had something catchy in the way they went down swiftly until they touched the surface of the river that laid there underneath that huge tree. It was as if she was falling in love with each one of those leaves. She had to go closer and touch one single leaf. It felt so soft to the touch of her hand that she continued holding on to it for a while then gently placed it where it supposed to be.
As an author, she had to taste the beauty of nature that hid in its elements. She had to feel the mystery behind each scenery in order to be able to step away from reality into the unexpected romantic atmosphere that she needed to be inspired in order to come out with the flow of words that pour out on her pages. In the broad picture, nature has always leaped out at her to help her write spicy love stories. She needed nature to help her understand and inhabit the lives of the characters she will pitch into her stories that wound up being published.
When she was in nature, she was able to write whatever she thought of without holding back. This time was an exception. She did not only enjoy the scene of autumn leaves dying on the invisible mirror of water but she also decided to linger on its beauty until she was sure she will be able to paint this picture again in her mind whenever she needed. She felt the tranquility with which those leaves advanced towards the murky waters underneath the huge enveloping tree.
Those leaves were trying seductively to turn up the heat within her for such explosive beauty that resembled the beauty of the characters that invaded her stories. Well, they have succeeded since she took out her notebook and started drawing that picture by expressing all the accumulated feelings she required from such an experience.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
I can handle being alone but the feeling of loneliness is what I fear. It is ripping my heart and agonizing my soul. I feel like I am a piece of a jigsaw puzzle awaiting a hand that will unravel the mystery beyond its confinements. I wish I could be certain that at least I am the last missing piece, which will complete the whole. Definitely, it would make me feel the importance of my existence. What if I am just one of the other pieces which its existence or absence does not make a difference? Do I complete the picture or am I just a corner piece of decoration that could be lost without affecting the whole.
I remember once, at the university, I was asked about marriage and my answer was it would mean finding a person who would be my other half and would complete me. For my shock, rage was the outcome of such a statement. I was told that I am complete and do not need anyone or anything to do so. Unfortunately, I did not feel it at that time and still do not. I am still walking in the journey of discovering whatever would complete me so I can feel whole.
My thoughts extend beyond the clouds searching the vast horizon for a meaning to my life. I am desperate to experience the sensation of solving the mystery that has been tormenting my soul. I am ready to put the pieces of my life together.