My Winter

The ticking sound of the heavenly drops pouring down from the grayish mist of winter could awaken so many sensations in a human soul. Unfortunately, for me it sounded like a dreadful monotonous music that was trying to steal away my spirit and energy. Waves of movement all around were occupying nature with their fierce thunderous strength. It was as if the howling wind was trying to conquer the serenity of fall and it sure was on the verge of winning the battle. Swishing and whispering, the streams of water that ran down the trees and streets were abundant in their attempt to drown all beauty of spring and fall. It was as if nature was weeping the loss of its beauty and all was just the mere beginning of torture for me.

A Heart- Aching Picture

He is one little silent body with two piercing holes that make the mind endlessly shiver with sadness to the loss of such innocence for the sake of nothing. He laid there on their burdened hands with no breath. Little angel that once laughed with the joy of living has nothing to laugh about anymore but instead has caused weary eyes to weep his sudden death. He laid there; his eyes wide open with wondering astonishment about all the suffering and pain he has been witnessing all his life not knowing that his bewilderment has come to an end and for what? He is awaiting the hands that will shut those eyes for the last time as if they have not been already shut all their life by all the merciless killing of his beloved ones, his neighbors and friends. How many days did this little one spend playing with the toys we so lamely throw away for the much we have? How many days did this little one enjoy the food that we have many times thrown to waste just because it was not suiting to our taste anymore?

Look around you and open your eyes wide enough to see the truth that some people try to hide. What is life to you? Is it a bizarre chance of consequences where all what matters is just a bunch of non-existing objects that are worthless? Such a hard question to understand but it is the first question that crossed my mind when I opened that link and saw that heart- aching picture of an innocent child who has been shot in the chest. At that moment, I did not want to open my eyes anymore and see. I did not want to comprehend how life must have been to such a child. I did not want to compare the life I live to the life others are losing in a second for nothing rather than them being born in different circumstances.

Eventually I did. I opened them and found my heart dead. It turned out I am not alive as I thought I am. What is being alive when the freedom I have is useless compared to all the suffering that others have to go through to live a second of my freedom? How ridiculous my complaints seemed to me the moment my eyes saw what death meant? All I was able to do was to go and hold my three little babies so tight as if afraid of a haunting image I have just seen. My mind could not stop thinking for a second how lucky I am to have each one of them; therefore, I even held tighter. I closed my eyes and smelled their scent and the moment my eyes were closed is when I imagined all the sorrow this kid’s mom must be going through right now. I cried and ducked down so fast to feel the weakness her limbs might be feeling for the sight she is seeing. I laid my palm on the chest of each one of my children to feel their hearts drum with existence. Still, I even held tighter. So sad is what people are going through these days. All I was able to think of is, “How can the angels’ murderers sleep peacefully at night when the blood of innocence is dripping from their hands?”

Farewell

Have you ever felt real anger bubbling within you that you cannot even breathe? I can tell you about that right now. I can tell you how hatred feels. I can tell you what and how to despise a person you once have respected but turned out to be just vapor that does not exist in this life. What happened to all those words you said? What happened to all those dreams you seized to build? What happened to the heart that you invaded once and said will conquer until eternity? Could I have been that wrong from the moment I saw you until the truth was revealed? Was I that blind? I do need some answers or else my nights will evade my days and my tears will flood. How can you expect me to live when all of my dreams have died? What were you exactly? Why did you enter my life when you have already decided to exit even before that?

I hold my blanket so tight to warm my limbs that are trembling with fright. I close my eyes and try to remind myself that life still has a happy side. I search within the deep silent whispers of my heart and I weep all those moments I wasted on your love. I scream my silent anger hoping that somebody will hear my horrifying sadness. I shiver with the coldness of hatred trying to make it my only reaction to what you have done to me but I fail to have anything but sympathy. I regret the day we met though I once thought it was the best day ever. My eyes are heavy but still refuse to go into a dreamy sleep. They are terrified of seeing you for the last time. I just wonder if you deserve their weary feelings and anticipation. I wish my heart could pronounce the words my mind is thinking but they would rather say the words my heart is feeling. It still beats and it still lives though you have tried to eliminate its existence by your actions and decisions.

I will promise you that if you have ever thought that your actions will break me then you are mistaken since the only consequence of us being here now is me getting stronger than ever. My tears will heal my wound and my heart will survive what you have done to me. I am sure that you will live to regret the loss you have gained out of what you have done. I say farewell to all what I have given you and to all the dreams that we have once shared hoping you will change to a better person one day and somehow.