Slowly, the sounds drew her in. She could not even resist the temptation. She had to see and taste a bit of it. The hysterical giggles filled the place and ate her up. How can such happiness oppose her sadness and tempt her. She took a few steps towards the window and listened more and only then, she knew how sad her heart felt. How long has it been since her ears heard the sound of laughter? How long since her body shriveled with the strength of such giggles that came out of her own mouth? It had been a while but why? She misses those days when she was able to feel the child within her. She misses those days when all she was able to do is just enjoy her existence.
She came closer and with trembling hands, she opened a little bit of the shutters expecting to see kids running around and playing but for her amazement, they were not. There they were adults as old as she is, playing and laughing as if nothing fazes them. Were they for real or just a figment of her imagination? She wanted to go there and be part of that. She wanted to feel everything they were experiencing at that moment but she could not. Something was holding her back. Reality was choking her and her feet were mesmerized in the ground. She needed a break from all she was going through. She wanted her childhood badly but unfortunately, she has misplaced it somewhere in the past and could not take hold of it any more.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
A suicidal Note
It is so painful what I am feeling right now. I am living the feeling of being so abandoned and unloved. The scent of death is roaming all around me. Desperate is the need for my soul to exhale but still something so strong is pulling it back. I wonder why I should exist in this life if all what I am made of and all my essence is merely consisting of tears bubbling within the body of a corpse. So much anger is building within me and I am scared of the outcome of such horrible feelings.
I lock myself in the smallest room ever, I weep my luck and I weep my life, which turned up to have no meaning at all. I once dreamed of better life thinking that what I had at that time was meaningless only to discover the truth years later.
I live for others and still do not enjoy a moment of this life. Scared of being condemned in the afterlife is the only thing that stands between my soul and its freedom. How much loads of tears do the eyes hold within them? How much longer can they continue their occupation of sadness?
I await things with eagerness and look forward to having certain people in my life to desperately long for them to leave and abandon me. The one thing I ask of them is to stop hurting me in every way they can and in everything they do and say. I have asked them once to love me and I am still awaiting that love.
This is who I am. This is how God created me. Why do you expect me to change? Why do you ask me to be who I do not want to be? Every day, someone comes into my life just to kill my identity until I have become who I have always hated to be.
Now, I seek loneliness, which I have always feared. I seek quietness when I have always longed for the buzz of liveliness. I need to be free though I still cannot. I am tied by boundaries that I have once thought would never be able to bind me. They are so tight and firm that they do not allow space for me to breathe and only I can untie them but it seems to me that sometimes some part of me does enjoy their control.
My solution to my endless pain might be harmful to the minds of those who think they still love me but I assure them that harm is undone by what I will leave them with. I will close my eyes for the last time hoping that my dreams will float high and soar till they become the reality of someone else’s life. I say goodbye to all the ones I longed for and apologize for shunning them away from my life. Trust me I do know that you are better off without me since my life has been suffocating you along with me.
I lock myself in the smallest room ever, I weep my luck and I weep my life, which turned up to have no meaning at all. I once dreamed of better life thinking that what I had at that time was meaningless only to discover the truth years later.
I live for others and still do not enjoy a moment of this life. Scared of being condemned in the afterlife is the only thing that stands between my soul and its freedom. How much loads of tears do the eyes hold within them? How much longer can they continue their occupation of sadness?
I await things with eagerness and look forward to having certain people in my life to desperately long for them to leave and abandon me. The one thing I ask of them is to stop hurting me in every way they can and in everything they do and say. I have asked them once to love me and I am still awaiting that love.
This is who I am. This is how God created me. Why do you expect me to change? Why do you ask me to be who I do not want to be? Every day, someone comes into my life just to kill my identity until I have become who I have always hated to be.
Now, I seek loneliness, which I have always feared. I seek quietness when I have always longed for the buzz of liveliness. I need to be free though I still cannot. I am tied by boundaries that I have once thought would never be able to bind me. They are so tight and firm that they do not allow space for me to breathe and only I can untie them but it seems to me that sometimes some part of me does enjoy their control.
My solution to my endless pain might be harmful to the minds of those who think they still love me but I assure them that harm is undone by what I will leave them with. I will close my eyes for the last time hoping that my dreams will float high and soar till they become the reality of someone else’s life. I say goodbye to all the ones I longed for and apologize for shunning them away from my life. Trust me I do know that you are better off without me since my life has been suffocating you along with me.
A Seductive Desire
Posted by Helen at 12:59 AM | Labels: Suspense
It would never have dawned on her that she would see a humiliating moment like this. She could not believe what was going on and never dreamed that it could happen to her. She had always been bound by ethics and morals since she had cultivated the reputation of a decent believer. She loved the life she had with its ups and downs and had always yearned for something good to do. Though things were hard on her, she still appreciated the little she was given. So, what was happening to her now?
All what she wanted was a chance to explain herself and her embarrassing situation. She could not tolerate these people's icy stares or accusations. How could they think for a moment that she had always been like this? How could they treat her the way they were in front of the crowds of people that had surrounded them? She just felt like being visibly threatened by what they were saying. Life was being withdrawn from her. She did not know what to say. She did not know how she should react to all of this. Mostly, she did not know how her future would be like when this is all over.
They held on to her like grim death and pulled her as a criminal towards the door of a low-slung room in the far corner of the place. She realized that the moment the door opens is the moment her old life dies and her new one starts. She could not count on being swept into that strange and frightening place because she knew that the second she goes in, she will never be the same and people will never look at her as a dignified person again. Her heart started drumming so fast. Her eyes could only see clouds of mist that blurred her vision. She wanted to scream the fear out of her lungs but she was unable to do so due to the eerie voices that arose from the mist.
What will she say to the love of her life? How can her eyes meet his after this? How is she going to be able to hold him close and swear to love him forever? What kind of a future will she have with him after now? She can imagine the shock on his face when he knows of what she had done and she realizes that it will be only a matter of time before all of this separates them and kill everything she had ever dreamt of.
She had to stop and breathe. She had to drum up her energy to beg them for forgiveness. She had to end all of the dark, dangerous, and unique paranormal elements behind this desire before it even starts or else she will be tainted all her life by bad memories of this day.
This desire, if answered to, will shadow her, probe her past and turn up at the deadliest moment to pull along with it everything she had ever worked on causing her life to tumble down leaving her as an outcast among her family and friends. Therefore, and after juggling all the ideas in her mind, she decided that she would not allow this to take place since it dramatically opposes everything she had ever believed in. She nervously thumbed through the things in front of her then returned that seductive desire to where it belonged and promised herself that whatever life takes away from her, she will never allow it to deprive her of her dignity and pride. She had lived as a decent person all of her life and would continue to do so until life takes away her soul
It would never have dawned on her that she would see a humiliating moment like this. She could not believe what was going on and never dreamed that it could happen to her. She had always been bound by ethics and morals since she had cultivated the reputation of a decent believer. She loved the life she had with its ups and downs and had always yearned for something good to do. Though things were hard on her, she still appreciated the little she was given. So, what was happening to her now?
All what she wanted was a chance to explain herself and her embarrassing situation. She could not tolerate these people's icy stares or accusations. How could they think for a moment that she had always been like this? How could they treat her the way they were in front of the crowds of people that had surrounded them? She just felt like being visibly threatened by what they were saying. Life was being withdrawn from her. She did not know what to say. She did not know how she should react to all of this. Mostly, she did not know how her future would be like when this is all over.
They held on to her like grim death and pulled her as a criminal towards the door of a low-slung room in the far corner of the place. She realized that the moment the door opens is the moment her old life dies and her new one starts. She could not count on being swept into that strange and frightening place because she knew that the second she goes in, she will never be the same and people will never look at her as a dignified person again. Her heart started drumming so fast. Her eyes could only see clouds of mist that blurred her vision. She wanted to scream the fear out of her lungs but she was unable to do so due to the eerie voices that arose from the mist.
What will she say to the love of her life? How can her eyes meet his after this? How is she going to be able to hold him close and swear to love him forever? What kind of a future will she have with him after now? She can imagine the shock on his face when he knows of what she had done and she realizes that it will be only a matter of time before all of this separates them and kill everything she had ever dreamt of.
She had to stop and breathe. She had to drum up her energy to beg them for forgiveness. She had to end all of the dark, dangerous, and unique paranormal elements behind this desire before it even starts or else she will be tainted all her life by bad memories of this day.
This desire, if answered to, will shadow her, probe her past and turn up at the deadliest moment to pull along with it everything she had ever worked on causing her life to tumble down leaving her as an outcast among her family and friends. Therefore, and after juggling all the ideas in her mind, she decided that she would not allow this to take place since it dramatically opposes everything she had ever believed in. She nervously thumbed through the things in front of her then returned that seductive desire to where it belonged and promised herself that whatever life takes away from her, she will never allow it to deprive her of her dignity and pride. She had lived as a decent person all of her life and would continue to do so until life takes away her soul
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